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Why "Third-Party Testimonials" Are Killing Your Communication

During a conflict, have you ever been tempted to say, "Well, my sister agrees with me," or "Even my friends think you're wrong"? This tactic, which I call the "third-party testimonial," is a surefire way to escalate an argument and damage trust. It may feel like you're strengthening your position, but you're actually weakening your connection.

By Carla McGowan

7/17/20251 min read

a referee in a black and white striped uniform

Why it's a "Personal Foul"

Think of your relationship's communication as having a set of rules, like a sport. Using third-party testimonials is a major personal foul for several reasons:

It Creates an Unfair Fight: A disagreement should be between the two people involved. When you bring in outsiders (even hypothetically), it turns a one-on-one conversation into a "you vs. us" scenario. Your partner will instantly feel ganged up on and defensive.
It Derails the Conversation: The focus immediately shifts from the actual issue to who said what and whether their opinion is valid. The original problem is forgotten, and a new argument begins.
It Breaks Trust: You are signaling that you've been discussing your private conflicts with others. This can feel like a betrayal and make your partner hesitant to be vulnerable with you in the future.
It Invalidates Your Own Voice: By leaning on someone else's opinion, you are subtly undermining your own. Your feelings and perspective should be enough to warrant a discussion. You don't need backup.

Keep the Conversation Sacred

Your relationship is a unique entity. What works for your friends or family may not apply to you. The only opinions that matter in resolving your conflict are yours and your partner's. Commit to keeping your disagreements between the two of you. If you need outside help, seek it together from a neutral third party, like a counselor or coach, who is there to support the relationship, not to take sides.